Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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