I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize