so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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