After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
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It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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