U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
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That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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