I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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