Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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