yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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