I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
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he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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