Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
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My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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