you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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