theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
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I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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