Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize