We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
