I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
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You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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