You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
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Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize