I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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