You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize