this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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