hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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