my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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