Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize