why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
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No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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