sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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