I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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