i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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