you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
