eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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