After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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