I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just cut my nipple shaving
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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