i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize