I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Couch. On fire.
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