i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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