He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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