non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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