I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize