I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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