and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
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This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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