so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
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You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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