Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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