woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
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The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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