Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
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They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
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Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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