i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
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We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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