a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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