I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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