All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
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She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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