i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
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Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
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I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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