did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
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I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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