You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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