Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize